Yesterday I was at a retreat held at a church in Orange City. It had to do with different spiritual disciplines such as centering prayer and a prayer labyrinth, like what they sometimes have on campus. I think it was good that I went despite not really knowing why I was going to it. While there, I decided to mainly spend my time in solitude after doing the prayer labyrinth.
Doing the prayer labyrinth helped set the mood for what I'd do the rest of the time because while I was walking in it and thinking about what was distracting me from God, I realized I needed to have some time to myself to think some of those things through. I found a library in the church with some comfy chairs so I settled down there to do some serious thinking. At first, I noticed two books next to me and I picked them up and scanned them because they were intriguing. After reading the second one a little, I picked up my Bible intending to read it but then decided I was going to read past journal entries I had written the past half a year instead.
Let me tell you all something. I decided to read my journal because I was curious about what it had to say about my past thoughts. I didn't really realize that this would lead to my discovering things about myself that were darker and lighter than I had ever thought. I guess God was trying to show me a thing or two about what was really going on in my head and heart. Let me explain. I noticed two overall themes in what was written in that journal.
Number one: I seem to have been struggling with many things related to friendships (or lack of), I seem to be lost and alone, and my dad's cancer is in almost every one of them up to when I was journaling in New Orleans. So this was more of a darker theme and one of deep, almost unexpressable pain.
Number two: I seem to have a strong faith and an unwillingness to give up even when the odd are against me. This theme shows a spirit of hope.
To sum up what I learned about myself to you all, I am not who I once was. These journal entries from the past half year made me realize upon reading just how much of a wreck I could be. It definitely was depressing to read for some of them. I feel that God was telling me that that is no longer who I am. I am made new by him and those things do not have to hold me down. No longer. I am, however, a person of faith and someone who has hope, a person who has been hurt but is being healed daily and I am a loved and precious daughter of the King, which is Jesus Christ. I may not know what the future may hold but as long as I cling to God and see the positives in life, I don't have to fear anymore for the future. It's in His hands.
Here are three things I found in a book called "The Strength of Character" by Charles R. Swindoll which was one of the two books laying beside me:
1. "Today is unique! It has never occurred before and it will never be repeated. At midnight it will end, quietly, suddenly, totally. Forever. But the hours between now and then are opportunities with eternal possibilities."
2. "The closer we walk with the Lord, the less control we have over our own lives, and the more we must abandon to him."
3. "All who live risk something.
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure."
