Tuesday, October 8, 2013
God's Great Love and Grace
I was once told by a friend that it was okay to be broken. At that point in time of my life I thought I couldn't possibly go any lower emotionally. These past few months have proved otherwise. However, God has been with me through it all, both the good and the bad and also the messy. I mean, if you're at the lowest point you've ever been at, the only way to go is up, right? Let me give you some insight to my thoughts from these past few months. I'll be honest, coming back from college and being home that first week was pretty hard. Pretty much a week out of school I went on my belated graduation trip to England with some of my family. During that trip I struggled with relating to them and wondered how I could possibly get to know them better. A few weeks after that trip, during the week I was helping with our local VBS program, my dad passed away after fighting with his cancer for almost three years. That was probably the hardest time of my life. I regretted not having spent more time with him than I did that summer. Also during that time I wondered where God could be and why He didn't create some miracle and heal my dad. I came to realize later on that He did in fact heal him, just not in the way I wanted Him to. Coming back to school was interesting because I was both looking forward to seeing everyone again and not wanting to answer the question of "how was your summer" because I had no idea how to answer it. While it wasn't a great summer, it wasn't all bad either. I mean, going to England is pretty great, right? This last month has been a challenge in all ways possible, however. I've been struggling with feelings of self worth and trying to believe that I'm loved by people around me and by God. While I wish I could spend more time with the awesome people who surround me daily there is the fact that we are all busy in some way, shape or form, and I understand that. It's also been hard for me because I struggle with with finding things in common with people and I think it also presents good opportunities to get to know those around me better because perhaps then they and I could find things similar. Sometimes I wonder about the impact I make on people who are around me and I apologize if I've been too depressing lately. I've been crying out to God to help me because I just feel so lost and confused about life, and with my theology class, maybe a little bit about my faith too. I've also been a little angry at Him too because it has seemed like lately there hasn't been much for "good news" going in my life and it's seemed like I am forgotten even though that is so far from the truth. Satan needs to get the hell away and needs to stop planting lies because I hate being broken all the time. Can't I just be whole for once? But then I realize after a while that I am made new by Jesus love for me and that He cares so so much. I have also been listening to the songs "Oceans", "Steady My Heart" and "Lead Me to the Cross" a lot lately because I feel that God is reassuring me through them and telling me He loves me ever so much. He's also been telling me to just trust Him and lean on Him and to quit worrying all the time. He has also shown me through those songs that I need to let go of the lies Satan has been planting in my heart and to run to His loving arms and how it's okay to cry in them. I've also learned there are so many wonderful people in my life who care and I want them to know that I care for them too! Always remember you are loved NO MATTER WHAT. Seriously. Love you all! :)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
From Hurt to Healing
Yesterday I was at a retreat held at a church in Orange City. It had to do with different spiritual disciplines such as centering prayer and a prayer labyrinth, like what they sometimes have on campus. I think it was good that I went despite not really knowing why I was going to it. While there, I decided to mainly spend my time in solitude after doing the prayer labyrinth.
Doing the prayer labyrinth helped set the mood for what I'd do the rest of the time because while I was walking in it and thinking about what was distracting me from God, I realized I needed to have some time to myself to think some of those things through. I found a library in the church with some comfy chairs so I settled down there to do some serious thinking. At first, I noticed two books next to me and I picked them up and scanned them because they were intriguing. After reading the second one a little, I picked up my Bible intending to read it but then decided I was going to read past journal entries I had written the past half a year instead.
Let me tell you all something. I decided to read my journal because I was curious about what it had to say about my past thoughts. I didn't really realize that this would lead to my discovering things about myself that were darker and lighter than I had ever thought. I guess God was trying to show me a thing or two about what was really going on in my head and heart. Let me explain. I noticed two overall themes in what was written in that journal.
Number one: I seem to have been struggling with many things related to friendships (or lack of), I seem to be lost and alone, and my dad's cancer is in almost every one of them up to when I was journaling in New Orleans. So this was more of a darker theme and one of deep, almost unexpressable pain.
Number two: I seem to have a strong faith and an unwillingness to give up even when the odd are against me. This theme shows a spirit of hope.
To sum up what I learned about myself to you all, I am not who I once was. These journal entries from the past half year made me realize upon reading just how much of a wreck I could be. It definitely was depressing to read for some of them. I feel that God was telling me that that is no longer who I am. I am made new by him and those things do not have to hold me down. No longer. I am, however, a person of faith and someone who has hope, a person who has been hurt but is being healed daily and I am a loved and precious daughter of the King, which is Jesus Christ. I may not know what the future may hold but as long as I cling to God and see the positives in life, I don't have to fear anymore for the future. It's in His hands.
Here are three things I found in a book called "The Strength of Character" by Charles R. Swindoll which was one of the two books laying beside me:
1. "Today is unique! It has never occurred before and it will never be repeated. At midnight it will end, quietly, suddenly, totally. Forever. But the hours between now and then are opportunities with eternal possibilities."
2. "The closer we walk with the Lord, the less control we have over our own lives, and the more we must abandon to him."
3. "All who live risk something.
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure."
Doing the prayer labyrinth helped set the mood for what I'd do the rest of the time because while I was walking in it and thinking about what was distracting me from God, I realized I needed to have some time to myself to think some of those things through. I found a library in the church with some comfy chairs so I settled down there to do some serious thinking. At first, I noticed two books next to me and I picked them up and scanned them because they were intriguing. After reading the second one a little, I picked up my Bible intending to read it but then decided I was going to read past journal entries I had written the past half a year instead.
Let me tell you all something. I decided to read my journal because I was curious about what it had to say about my past thoughts. I didn't really realize that this would lead to my discovering things about myself that were darker and lighter than I had ever thought. I guess God was trying to show me a thing or two about what was really going on in my head and heart. Let me explain. I noticed two overall themes in what was written in that journal.
Number one: I seem to have been struggling with many things related to friendships (or lack of), I seem to be lost and alone, and my dad's cancer is in almost every one of them up to when I was journaling in New Orleans. So this was more of a darker theme and one of deep, almost unexpressable pain.
Number two: I seem to have a strong faith and an unwillingness to give up even when the odd are against me. This theme shows a spirit of hope.
To sum up what I learned about myself to you all, I am not who I once was. These journal entries from the past half year made me realize upon reading just how much of a wreck I could be. It definitely was depressing to read for some of them. I feel that God was telling me that that is no longer who I am. I am made new by him and those things do not have to hold me down. No longer. I am, however, a person of faith and someone who has hope, a person who has been hurt but is being healed daily and I am a loved and precious daughter of the King, which is Jesus Christ. I may not know what the future may hold but as long as I cling to God and see the positives in life, I don't have to fear anymore for the future. It's in His hands.
Here are three things I found in a book called "The Strength of Character" by Charles R. Swindoll which was one of the two books laying beside me:
1. "Today is unique! It has never occurred before and it will never be repeated. At midnight it will end, quietly, suddenly, totally. Forever. But the hours between now and then are opportunities with eternal possibilities."
2. "The closer we walk with the Lord, the less control we have over our own lives, and the more we must abandon to him."
3. "All who live risk something.
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure."
Monday, February 25, 2013
A Journey of Faith
One thing over the weekend that I thought of in relation to previous posts: Not alone in company but feeling alone in bearing the weight of the burden. So it's an issue of faith rather than of people. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. That is me. Broken. But not abandoned.
These last few days have shown me so much and opened my eyes. I have learned that there really are people here who genuinely care and who are open for talking to. I just need to understand that people are a lot of times busy. I have also learned that no matter how broken or down you may become or feel that God is always there by your side and will never leave you.
P&W really does something to a person's soul that is just so incredible. You're there worshipping God and you just get hit in the face of how awesome he really is despite what may be going on. Sometimes it can be pretty emotional, but at the same time is cleansing. In those moments, there's truly no place I'd rather be.
It'll be so great to find someone that I can talk to and have discussions about the tough stuff and about God and faith and all that who is close distance wise. Hopefully someday! I had thought I was starting to lose my faith, but recently I've realized it was really me doubting. I was told by a friend once that doubting is okay because it helps strengthen your faith.
This past Friday I had gone on a short walk around campus and saw several people jogging to the chapel. I was curious so I went to investigate what was going on. Doing so, I stumbled across a bible study... I think that was no accident... And then that time with the chapel speaker Jessica Knect and that one time at the prayer labyrinth and then last night at P&W... I guess God's been trying to get through to me and to let me know that all will be well and that I am not alone.
I may fear for my dad with his surgery coming up this Wednesday and all the complications it brings, I may get caught up in the lie that I am alone and have to fight this battle alone, I may get discouraged and weary and reach the point where I just want to give up, but though it's not easy for me to remember, I do know that God is always there and that I'm surrounded with so many loving people who really care and will listen. And I have to remember that though there are many other people hurting in the world much more than I am that my story is worth listening to and getting help for too, because I too am broken inside and need help.
There is still so much more going on in my head right now that I'd tell you about, except I have to go eat and go to class. "The Lord will lift them up with wings like angels..."and "Restore to me the joy of your salvation..." and the first verse have been on my heart all weekend. Just some food for thought. :)
These last few days have shown me so much and opened my eyes. I have learned that there really are people here who genuinely care and who are open for talking to. I just need to understand that people are a lot of times busy. I have also learned that no matter how broken or down you may become or feel that God is always there by your side and will never leave you.
P&W really does something to a person's soul that is just so incredible. You're there worshipping God and you just get hit in the face of how awesome he really is despite what may be going on. Sometimes it can be pretty emotional, but at the same time is cleansing. In those moments, there's truly no place I'd rather be.
It'll be so great to find someone that I can talk to and have discussions about the tough stuff and about God and faith and all that who is close distance wise. Hopefully someday! I had thought I was starting to lose my faith, but recently I've realized it was really me doubting. I was told by a friend once that doubting is okay because it helps strengthen your faith.
This past Friday I had gone on a short walk around campus and saw several people jogging to the chapel. I was curious so I went to investigate what was going on. Doing so, I stumbled across a bible study... I think that was no accident... And then that time with the chapel speaker Jessica Knect and that one time at the prayer labyrinth and then last night at P&W... I guess God's been trying to get through to me and to let me know that all will be well and that I am not alone.
I may fear for my dad with his surgery coming up this Wednesday and all the complications it brings, I may get caught up in the lie that I am alone and have to fight this battle alone, I may get discouraged and weary and reach the point where I just want to give up, but though it's not easy for me to remember, I do know that God is always there and that I'm surrounded with so many loving people who really care and will listen. And I have to remember that though there are many other people hurting in the world much more than I am that my story is worth listening to and getting help for too, because I too am broken inside and need help.
There is still so much more going on in my head right now that I'd tell you about, except I have to go eat and go to class. "The Lord will lift them up with wings like angels..."and "Restore to me the joy of your salvation..." and the first verse have been on my heart all weekend. Just some food for thought. :)
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
A Weary Soul
So, these last few weeks or so have been rough. Actually, it seems ever since I came back from Christmas breaks its been tough. And not just with school, though that too is a big stresser. No, I'm actually talking about what's been taking place in my head.
To the people around me I may look to be just fine. I have this "happy face" and I'll be funny or just do some other crazy thing. Yep, I'm a strange cookie sometimes. But really, most days, on the inside, like today, I'm really a broken wreck of a person. If you asked me why I'm not sure I'd have an answer for you, just that on the inside I'm hurting. Yes, I'll smile at you and act like everything is fine, but truthfully, it's not. It's usually why I never know what to say to people when they ask me how I am so I usually just say "good" because I don't really want to go into detail at that moment.
For those of you who don't know, my dad has colon cancer and this has been hard on me despite what I might say at times. There are other people in my family who are sick but he is the most on my heart most days. He is also going to be having a major-ish surgery next week to remove his colon which is infested with a huge tumor causing him to be bound to the bathroom. This surgery is mainly to make him more comfortable because unless there is some sort of miracle, his abdomen area is still going to have cancer tumors everywhere. They're just smaller.
So with that and school, there is still more that has been weighing on me. There are so many wonderful people around me on a daily basis; don't get me wrong. I love each and every one of them. But truthfully, I kinda feel left out of the loop of things a lot of the time such as when there's an inside joke I missed out on or something happened that I also missed. I don't like it when people say, "You weren't there so you don't know" or something along those lines. Okay, so fill me in? No? Fine then. There are also days where I feel like I've been living under a rock. But those are starting to be less and less.
Getting more to the bottom of this, basically I've felt alone, lost, afraid, and confused. Of course, my heart tells me otherwise, that I'm a precious child of God and that He loves me, but right now, I'm having a hard time believing it. In fact, as hard as it is to say, I might actually be at that point in my life where my faith is being put to the test and quite frankly, I hate to say that the devil seems to be winning at the moment. I might actually be starting to lose my faith as much as I want/need to cling to it. Uh help? What does one do? You might say pray, but right now it feels like God is out of reach...Good grief, there's so much doubt going on here! And so many inner battles. Right now, to me, it's like I'm living in a burnt out shell of a person who's only really doing the minimum to survive on a daily basis. It doesn't seem to me like I'm worth much of anything; doesn't seem like people really want to be around me. 'Course not. Seems to me like I'm the reject or the outcast as usual. Sure, there are times I'm doing things with people such as meals or going to plays or things like that, but am I really happy? Good question. I thought so, but maybe not, as I have all this swirling around in my head on a daily basis. I'm so broken I literally don't know what to do or who to turn to. I really wish I had a shoulder to cry on! But my mom is no longer able to be there every time...
Right now I know I need help, but I'm too afraid to ask for it because it seems people might be hostile or too busy or they might judge me or something like that. In my heart I know it's false, but my thick skull needs to get that through to it. Gosh, there's much more I have to say on these things, but I don't want to scare you all away with my dark thoughts. Anyone out there ever feel like I do? Lost, alone and broken? Don't know what to do or who to turn to? I hope you all don't think too badly of me... I just want to feel and know I'm loved, especially by the people around me. I know there are some of you who truly care, so I'm asking you for help. So yeah... just some late night thoughts...
To the people around me I may look to be just fine. I have this "happy face" and I'll be funny or just do some other crazy thing. Yep, I'm a strange cookie sometimes. But really, most days, on the inside, like today, I'm really a broken wreck of a person. If you asked me why I'm not sure I'd have an answer for you, just that on the inside I'm hurting. Yes, I'll smile at you and act like everything is fine, but truthfully, it's not. It's usually why I never know what to say to people when they ask me how I am so I usually just say "good" because I don't really want to go into detail at that moment.
For those of you who don't know, my dad has colon cancer and this has been hard on me despite what I might say at times. There are other people in my family who are sick but he is the most on my heart most days. He is also going to be having a major-ish surgery next week to remove his colon which is infested with a huge tumor causing him to be bound to the bathroom. This surgery is mainly to make him more comfortable because unless there is some sort of miracle, his abdomen area is still going to have cancer tumors everywhere. They're just smaller.
So with that and school, there is still more that has been weighing on me. There are so many wonderful people around me on a daily basis; don't get me wrong. I love each and every one of them. But truthfully, I kinda feel left out of the loop of things a lot of the time such as when there's an inside joke I missed out on or something happened that I also missed. I don't like it when people say, "You weren't there so you don't know" or something along those lines. Okay, so fill me in? No? Fine then. There are also days where I feel like I've been living under a rock. But those are starting to be less and less.
Getting more to the bottom of this, basically I've felt alone, lost, afraid, and confused. Of course, my heart tells me otherwise, that I'm a precious child of God and that He loves me, but right now, I'm having a hard time believing it. In fact, as hard as it is to say, I might actually be at that point in my life where my faith is being put to the test and quite frankly, I hate to say that the devil seems to be winning at the moment. I might actually be starting to lose my faith as much as I want/need to cling to it. Uh help? What does one do? You might say pray, but right now it feels like God is out of reach...Good grief, there's so much doubt going on here! And so many inner battles. Right now, to me, it's like I'm living in a burnt out shell of a person who's only really doing the minimum to survive on a daily basis. It doesn't seem to me like I'm worth much of anything; doesn't seem like people really want to be around me. 'Course not. Seems to me like I'm the reject or the outcast as usual. Sure, there are times I'm doing things with people such as meals or going to plays or things like that, but am I really happy? Good question. I thought so, but maybe not, as I have all this swirling around in my head on a daily basis. I'm so broken I literally don't know what to do or who to turn to. I really wish I had a shoulder to cry on! But my mom is no longer able to be there every time...
Right now I know I need help, but I'm too afraid to ask for it because it seems people might be hostile or too busy or they might judge me or something like that. In my heart I know it's false, but my thick skull needs to get that through to it. Gosh, there's much more I have to say on these things, but I don't want to scare you all away with my dark thoughts. Anyone out there ever feel like I do? Lost, alone and broken? Don't know what to do or who to turn to? I hope you all don't think too badly of me... I just want to feel and know I'm loved, especially by the people around me. I know there are some of you who truly care, so I'm asking you for help. So yeah... just some late night thoughts...
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Trials of Life: The Life of a Loner
Well, I decided I was going to try this blogging business and let the world in on some of my thoughts. So here goes my first time writing for all the public to see! (Yikes!)
To give you all an inside story to why I consider myself to be a loner, let's go back all the way to 6th grade. It was the first week of school and I was excited to be back with all of my friends from Elementary and to be able to be with them in Middle School. The teachers had the whole grade in one classroom, which was really three classrooms as the walls were merely dividers. They were going through the run-down of what Middle School was and what it would be like at we started getting used to life as a middle-schooler. The teachers told us that we would likely start to form what is called "cliques". This would mean that groups of friends would be formed more so than Elementary School where we were really all one big group and starting deciding who could be in their group. At this point I was thinking, "Yeah, I can tell who is going to be in what group of friends already. This won't be a problem for me because I have my own group of friends to hang out with." Little did I know that I was being slowly excluded from the only group of friends I'd ever had. Yay.
How that happened was, that September, for one of my friends birthdays, I wasn't invited over for her birthday party for the simple reason of my being afraid of big dogs, as she had a couple big dogs. That hurt. Later on in the year, I made a really big mistake which ended up being a big lie which led to some not so pleasant happenings at school, namely during lunch and study hall. Other things happened, such as being teased by a teacher and being picked last for P.E., and I further felt excluded from everyone. End of the year comes and I couldn't be happier to be out of school and away from it all.
Fast forward to 7th grade and then 8th grade, and then on to the end of March, beginning of April when we were having our 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. I'm not going to go into too much detail here except to say that I felt very left out and unwanted on this trip and spent a lot of the time with my mom, which I enjoyed. End of the year comes and again I'm happy to get out of there.
Then it's 9th grade for me. I was afraid of it at first, because well, it was High School, but then it ended up being okay. So at lunch it seemed that everyone had claimed their own part of the table for their particular group. As I had the people I sat with in Middle School, I sat with them. Reaching the end of this year I again realize that I'm getting more and more excluded from this group of friends and by now I spent most of my free time at home in my room for lack of people to be able to hang out with. I was lucky to have my best friend to spend time with at the park several times a week.
Now fast forward to 10th grade. By this time I was learning to be okay with it just being me to hang out with in my room with the occasional time with my best friend and one or two others if I was really lucky. In class I felt a little alone as my old group of friends seemed to have move on to form a more tight group with themselves. Thus begins the next long two and half years being what many people would call a loner. Of course, to make things just that more cruel, my dad got sick and caught Whooping Cough. Yay. Because of that, the following summer after 10th grade, after camp and a few weeks before school, we were told he had Colon Cancer. Double yay. Not.
Now, into 11th grade, I basically did not have much for support, if any. I could now rarely see my best friend and if we were lucky we got to hang out a couple times each month. It was rough. Other than that 11th grade went okay.
Last year, 12th grade, I went back to school knowing my dad was going to be going to Chicago every other week for treatment for his cancer with my mom. That meant that my brother and I would be on our own every other week with our grandma coming over for the night each night. Of course, this meant I wasn't really to have my best friend over as much anymore, or be able to see her at the park, so I was really lucky to be able to hang out with her two times a month, though we did see each other in passing at school. Can you imagine how lonely this was? And to add to it all, my own brother has reached the stage where he wants nothing to do with me! Triple yay.
After a dragging first semester I finally reach second semester and I could see the end in sight to be able to get away from Lake Mills and to be able to go to college and start over without being judged from my past! I also finally was able to find someone to help support me and it really helped my last half of my senior year in high school. Graduation comes and I couldn't be happier to get out of there! After a great summer, probably the best I've had in a really long time, it was time for me to head to college for the first time. I was terrified.
Getting here, I felt like I was assaulted with so many new faces and friendly people. I was taken aback. I thought, "Wow, these people are really nice! I've never had so many people be nice to me at once, except for when I've been at camp..." As a result, I was a little bit awed by this place. While there is still so much more I could say, that will have to wait until a later time.
Being as I had never really been able to spend time with so many people, I was very overwhelmed by everyone, as I had become accustomed to being a loner and doing everything by myself, going everywhere alone, etc. So I just stayed in my room a lot during my first semester. I think my roommate was hoping for someone more like herself, and I think I felt bad that I couldn't help being me and that I couldn't be more like who she wanted for a roommate. I was also just glad to have a great roommate and not one of those in stories told back home. I'm very blessed to have her as my roommate! :) She is an awesome person and sometimes I wish I could be like her. Well, guess I'll have to settle for just being me! I hope you will accept me for it! :)
Concluding all of this ranting, I will say this: It's been really hard for me here because I was alone so much before coming here. I do my best to be with people, it's just hard because I never know really what to say because of so much me time. I try hard to just be me and I probably seem really weird to you guys or at least not much like you and you're right. I'm not. I'm just plain old me! I'm uncertain a good portion of the time about many things, and it may seem like I'm being clingy or something, but really, I'm just re-learning how to be with people again! I hope you guys won't judge me too harshly and I thank you all for being you and being so awesome! Love you guys!
Well, it's time to eat and I have so much more to say about other things! Those will have to wait until a later time. And I have a hand cramp from typing so much, haha! I apologize if I rambled too much... Hope you guys now have some insight on me being an oddball... Later! :)
To give you all an inside story to why I consider myself to be a loner, let's go back all the way to 6th grade. It was the first week of school and I was excited to be back with all of my friends from Elementary and to be able to be with them in Middle School. The teachers had the whole grade in one classroom, which was really three classrooms as the walls were merely dividers. They were going through the run-down of what Middle School was and what it would be like at we started getting used to life as a middle-schooler. The teachers told us that we would likely start to form what is called "cliques". This would mean that groups of friends would be formed more so than Elementary School where we were really all one big group and starting deciding who could be in their group. At this point I was thinking, "Yeah, I can tell who is going to be in what group of friends already. This won't be a problem for me because I have my own group of friends to hang out with." Little did I know that I was being slowly excluded from the only group of friends I'd ever had. Yay.
How that happened was, that September, for one of my friends birthdays, I wasn't invited over for her birthday party for the simple reason of my being afraid of big dogs, as she had a couple big dogs. That hurt. Later on in the year, I made a really big mistake which ended up being a big lie which led to some not so pleasant happenings at school, namely during lunch and study hall. Other things happened, such as being teased by a teacher and being picked last for P.E., and I further felt excluded from everyone. End of the year comes and I couldn't be happier to be out of school and away from it all.
Fast forward to 7th grade and then 8th grade, and then on to the end of March, beginning of April when we were having our 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. I'm not going to go into too much detail here except to say that I felt very left out and unwanted on this trip and spent a lot of the time with my mom, which I enjoyed. End of the year comes and again I'm happy to get out of there.
Then it's 9th grade for me. I was afraid of it at first, because well, it was High School, but then it ended up being okay. So at lunch it seemed that everyone had claimed their own part of the table for their particular group. As I had the people I sat with in Middle School, I sat with them. Reaching the end of this year I again realize that I'm getting more and more excluded from this group of friends and by now I spent most of my free time at home in my room for lack of people to be able to hang out with. I was lucky to have my best friend to spend time with at the park several times a week.
Now fast forward to 10th grade. By this time I was learning to be okay with it just being me to hang out with in my room with the occasional time with my best friend and one or two others if I was really lucky. In class I felt a little alone as my old group of friends seemed to have move on to form a more tight group with themselves. Thus begins the next long two and half years being what many people would call a loner. Of course, to make things just that more cruel, my dad got sick and caught Whooping Cough. Yay. Because of that, the following summer after 10th grade, after camp and a few weeks before school, we were told he had Colon Cancer. Double yay. Not.
Now, into 11th grade, I basically did not have much for support, if any. I could now rarely see my best friend and if we were lucky we got to hang out a couple times each month. It was rough. Other than that 11th grade went okay.
Last year, 12th grade, I went back to school knowing my dad was going to be going to Chicago every other week for treatment for his cancer with my mom. That meant that my brother and I would be on our own every other week with our grandma coming over for the night each night. Of course, this meant I wasn't really to have my best friend over as much anymore, or be able to see her at the park, so I was really lucky to be able to hang out with her two times a month, though we did see each other in passing at school. Can you imagine how lonely this was? And to add to it all, my own brother has reached the stage where he wants nothing to do with me! Triple yay.
After a dragging first semester I finally reach second semester and I could see the end in sight to be able to get away from Lake Mills and to be able to go to college and start over without being judged from my past! I also finally was able to find someone to help support me and it really helped my last half of my senior year in high school. Graduation comes and I couldn't be happier to get out of there! After a great summer, probably the best I've had in a really long time, it was time for me to head to college for the first time. I was terrified.
Getting here, I felt like I was assaulted with so many new faces and friendly people. I was taken aback. I thought, "Wow, these people are really nice! I've never had so many people be nice to me at once, except for when I've been at camp..." As a result, I was a little bit awed by this place. While there is still so much more I could say, that will have to wait until a later time.
Being as I had never really been able to spend time with so many people, I was very overwhelmed by everyone, as I had become accustomed to being a loner and doing everything by myself, going everywhere alone, etc. So I just stayed in my room a lot during my first semester. I think my roommate was hoping for someone more like herself, and I think I felt bad that I couldn't help being me and that I couldn't be more like who she wanted for a roommate. I was also just glad to have a great roommate and not one of those in stories told back home. I'm very blessed to have her as my roommate! :) She is an awesome person and sometimes I wish I could be like her. Well, guess I'll have to settle for just being me! I hope you will accept me for it! :)
Concluding all of this ranting, I will say this: It's been really hard for me here because I was alone so much before coming here. I do my best to be with people, it's just hard because I never know really what to say because of so much me time. I try hard to just be me and I probably seem really weird to you guys or at least not much like you and you're right. I'm not. I'm just plain old me! I'm uncertain a good portion of the time about many things, and it may seem like I'm being clingy or something, but really, I'm just re-learning how to be with people again! I hope you guys won't judge me too harshly and I thank you all for being you and being so awesome! Love you guys!
Well, it's time to eat and I have so much more to say about other things! Those will have to wait until a later time. And I have a hand cramp from typing so much, haha! I apologize if I rambled too much... Hope you guys now have some insight on me being an oddball... Later! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)