Well, I decided I was going to try this blogging business and let the world in on some of my thoughts. So here goes my first time writing for all the public to see! (Yikes!)
To give you all an inside story to why I consider myself to be a loner, let's go back all the way to 6th grade. It was the first week of school and I was excited to be back with all of my friends from Elementary and to be able to be with them in Middle School. The teachers had the whole grade in one classroom, which was really three classrooms as the walls were merely dividers. They were going through the run-down of what Middle School was and what it would be like at we started getting used to life as a middle-schooler. The teachers told us that we would likely start to form what is called "cliques". This would mean that groups of friends would be formed more so than Elementary School where we were really all one big group and starting deciding who could be in their group. At this point I was thinking, "Yeah, I can tell who is going to be in what group of friends already. This won't be a problem for me because I have my own group of friends to hang out with." Little did I know that I was being slowly excluded from the only group of friends I'd ever had. Yay.
How that happened was, that September, for one of my friends birthdays, I wasn't invited over for her birthday party for the simple reason of my being afraid of big dogs, as she had a couple big dogs. That hurt. Later on in the year, I made a really big mistake which ended up being a big lie which led to some not so pleasant happenings at school, namely during lunch and study hall. Other things happened, such as being teased by a teacher and being picked last for P.E., and I further felt excluded from everyone. End of the year comes and I couldn't be happier to be out of school and away from it all.
Fast forward to 7th grade and then 8th grade, and then on to the end of March, beginning of April when we were having our 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. I'm not going to go into too much detail here except to say that I felt very left out and unwanted on this trip and spent a lot of the time with my mom, which I enjoyed. End of the year comes and again I'm happy to get out of there.
Then it's 9th grade for me. I was afraid of it at first, because well, it was High School, but then it ended up being okay. So at lunch it seemed that everyone had claimed their own part of the table for their particular group. As I had the people I sat with in Middle School, I sat with them. Reaching the end of this year I again realize that I'm getting more and more excluded from this group of friends and by now I spent most of my free time at home in my room for lack of people to be able to hang out with. I was lucky to have my best friend to spend time with at the park several times a week.
Now fast forward to 10th grade. By this time I was learning to be okay with it just being me to hang out with in my room with the occasional time with my best friend and one or two others if I was really lucky. In class I felt a little alone as my old group of friends seemed to have move on to form a more tight group with themselves. Thus begins the next long two and half years being what many people would call a loner. Of course, to make things just that more cruel, my dad got sick and caught Whooping Cough. Yay. Because of that, the following summer after 10th grade, after camp and a few weeks before school, we were told he had Colon Cancer. Double yay. Not.
Now, into 11th grade, I basically did not have much for support, if any. I could now rarely see my best friend and if we were lucky we got to hang out a couple times each month. It was rough. Other than that 11th grade went okay.
Last year, 12th grade, I went back to school knowing my dad was going to be going to Chicago every other week for treatment for his cancer with my mom. That meant that my brother and I would be on our own every other week with our grandma coming over for the night each night. Of course, this meant I wasn't really to have my best friend over as much anymore, or be able to see her at the park, so I was really lucky to be able to hang out with her two times a month, though we did see each other in passing at school. Can you imagine how lonely this was? And to add to it all, my own brother has reached the stage where he wants nothing to do with me! Triple yay.
After a dragging first semester I finally reach second semester and I could see the end in sight to be able to get away from Lake Mills and to be able to go to college and start over without being judged from my past! I also finally was able to find someone to help support me and it really helped my last half of my senior year in high school. Graduation comes and I couldn't be happier to get out of there! After a great summer, probably the best I've had in a really long time, it was time for me to head to college for the first time. I was terrified.
Getting here, I felt like I was assaulted with so many new faces and friendly people. I was taken aback. I thought, "Wow, these people are really nice! I've never had so many people be nice to me at once, except for when I've been at camp..." As a result, I was a little bit awed by this place. While there is still so much more I could say, that will have to wait until a later time.
Being as I had never really been able to spend time with so many people, I was very overwhelmed by everyone, as I had become accustomed to being a loner and doing everything by myself, going everywhere alone, etc. So I just stayed in my room a lot during my first semester. I think my roommate was hoping for someone more like herself, and I think I felt bad that I couldn't help being me and that I couldn't be more like who she wanted for a roommate. I was also just glad to have a great roommate and not one of those in stories told back home. I'm very blessed to have her as my roommate! :) She is an awesome person and sometimes I wish I could be like her. Well, guess I'll have to settle for just being me! I hope you will accept me for it! :)
Concluding all of this ranting, I will say this: It's been really hard for me here because I was alone so much before coming here. I do my best to be with people, it's just hard because I never know really what to say because of so much me time. I try hard to just be me and I probably seem really weird to you guys or at least not much like you and you're right. I'm not. I'm just plain old me! I'm uncertain a good portion of the time about many things, and it may seem like I'm being clingy or something, but really, I'm just re-learning how to be with people again! I hope you guys won't judge me too harshly and I thank you all for being you and being so awesome! Love you guys!
Well, it's time to eat and I have so much more to say about other things! Those will have to wait until a later time. And I have a hand cramp from typing so much, haha! I apologize if I rambled too much... Hope you guys now have some insight on me being an oddball... Later! :)
