One thing over the weekend that I thought of in relation to previous posts: Not alone in company but feeling alone in bearing the weight of the burden. So it's an issue of faith rather than of people. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. That is me. Broken. But not abandoned.
These last few days have shown me so much and opened my eyes. I have learned that there really are people here who genuinely care and who are open for talking to. I just need to understand that people are a lot of times busy. I have also learned that no matter how broken or down you may become or feel that God is always there by your side and will never leave you.
P&W really does something to a person's soul that is just so incredible. You're there worshipping God and you just get hit in the face of how awesome he really is despite what may be going on. Sometimes it can be pretty emotional, but at the same time is cleansing. In those moments, there's truly no place I'd rather be.
It'll be so great to find someone that I can talk to and have discussions about the tough stuff and about God and faith and all that who is close distance wise. Hopefully someday! I had thought I was starting to lose my faith, but recently I've realized it was really me doubting. I was told by a friend once that doubting is okay because it helps strengthen your faith.
This past Friday I had gone on a short walk around campus and saw several people jogging to the chapel. I was curious so I went to investigate what was going on. Doing so, I stumbled across a bible study... I think that was no accident... And then that time with the chapel speaker Jessica Knect and that one time at the prayer labyrinth and then last night at P&W... I guess God's been trying to get through to me and to let me know that all will be well and that I am not alone.
I may fear for my dad with his surgery coming up this Wednesday and all the complications it brings, I may get caught up in the lie that I am alone and have to fight this battle alone, I may get discouraged and weary and reach the point where I just want to give up, but though it's not easy for me to remember, I do know that God is always there and that I'm surrounded with so many loving people who really care and will listen. And I have to remember that though there are many other people hurting in the world much more than I am that my story is worth listening to and getting help for too, because I too am broken inside and need help.
There is still so much more going on in my head right now that I'd tell you about, except I have to go eat and go to class. "The Lord will lift them up with wings like angels..."and "Restore to me the joy of your salvation..." and the first verse have been on my heart all weekend. Just some food for thought. :)
Monday, February 25, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
A Weary Soul
So, these last few weeks or so have been rough. Actually, it seems ever since I came back from Christmas breaks its been tough. And not just with school, though that too is a big stresser. No, I'm actually talking about what's been taking place in my head.
To the people around me I may look to be just fine. I have this "happy face" and I'll be funny or just do some other crazy thing. Yep, I'm a strange cookie sometimes. But really, most days, on the inside, like today, I'm really a broken wreck of a person. If you asked me why I'm not sure I'd have an answer for you, just that on the inside I'm hurting. Yes, I'll smile at you and act like everything is fine, but truthfully, it's not. It's usually why I never know what to say to people when they ask me how I am so I usually just say "good" because I don't really want to go into detail at that moment.
For those of you who don't know, my dad has colon cancer and this has been hard on me despite what I might say at times. There are other people in my family who are sick but he is the most on my heart most days. He is also going to be having a major-ish surgery next week to remove his colon which is infested with a huge tumor causing him to be bound to the bathroom. This surgery is mainly to make him more comfortable because unless there is some sort of miracle, his abdomen area is still going to have cancer tumors everywhere. They're just smaller.
So with that and school, there is still more that has been weighing on me. There are so many wonderful people around me on a daily basis; don't get me wrong. I love each and every one of them. But truthfully, I kinda feel left out of the loop of things a lot of the time such as when there's an inside joke I missed out on or something happened that I also missed. I don't like it when people say, "You weren't there so you don't know" or something along those lines. Okay, so fill me in? No? Fine then. There are also days where I feel like I've been living under a rock. But those are starting to be less and less.
Getting more to the bottom of this, basically I've felt alone, lost, afraid, and confused. Of course, my heart tells me otherwise, that I'm a precious child of God and that He loves me, but right now, I'm having a hard time believing it. In fact, as hard as it is to say, I might actually be at that point in my life where my faith is being put to the test and quite frankly, I hate to say that the devil seems to be winning at the moment. I might actually be starting to lose my faith as much as I want/need to cling to it. Uh help? What does one do? You might say pray, but right now it feels like God is out of reach...Good grief, there's so much doubt going on here! And so many inner battles. Right now, to me, it's like I'm living in a burnt out shell of a person who's only really doing the minimum to survive on a daily basis. It doesn't seem to me like I'm worth much of anything; doesn't seem like people really want to be around me. 'Course not. Seems to me like I'm the reject or the outcast as usual. Sure, there are times I'm doing things with people such as meals or going to plays or things like that, but am I really happy? Good question. I thought so, but maybe not, as I have all this swirling around in my head on a daily basis. I'm so broken I literally don't know what to do or who to turn to. I really wish I had a shoulder to cry on! But my mom is no longer able to be there every time...
Right now I know I need help, but I'm too afraid to ask for it because it seems people might be hostile or too busy or they might judge me or something like that. In my heart I know it's false, but my thick skull needs to get that through to it. Gosh, there's much more I have to say on these things, but I don't want to scare you all away with my dark thoughts. Anyone out there ever feel like I do? Lost, alone and broken? Don't know what to do or who to turn to? I hope you all don't think too badly of me... I just want to feel and know I'm loved, especially by the people around me. I know there are some of you who truly care, so I'm asking you for help. So yeah... just some late night thoughts...
To the people around me I may look to be just fine. I have this "happy face" and I'll be funny or just do some other crazy thing. Yep, I'm a strange cookie sometimes. But really, most days, on the inside, like today, I'm really a broken wreck of a person. If you asked me why I'm not sure I'd have an answer for you, just that on the inside I'm hurting. Yes, I'll smile at you and act like everything is fine, but truthfully, it's not. It's usually why I never know what to say to people when they ask me how I am so I usually just say "good" because I don't really want to go into detail at that moment.
For those of you who don't know, my dad has colon cancer and this has been hard on me despite what I might say at times. There are other people in my family who are sick but he is the most on my heart most days. He is also going to be having a major-ish surgery next week to remove his colon which is infested with a huge tumor causing him to be bound to the bathroom. This surgery is mainly to make him more comfortable because unless there is some sort of miracle, his abdomen area is still going to have cancer tumors everywhere. They're just smaller.
So with that and school, there is still more that has been weighing on me. There are so many wonderful people around me on a daily basis; don't get me wrong. I love each and every one of them. But truthfully, I kinda feel left out of the loop of things a lot of the time such as when there's an inside joke I missed out on or something happened that I also missed. I don't like it when people say, "You weren't there so you don't know" or something along those lines. Okay, so fill me in? No? Fine then. There are also days where I feel like I've been living under a rock. But those are starting to be less and less.
Getting more to the bottom of this, basically I've felt alone, lost, afraid, and confused. Of course, my heart tells me otherwise, that I'm a precious child of God and that He loves me, but right now, I'm having a hard time believing it. In fact, as hard as it is to say, I might actually be at that point in my life where my faith is being put to the test and quite frankly, I hate to say that the devil seems to be winning at the moment. I might actually be starting to lose my faith as much as I want/need to cling to it. Uh help? What does one do? You might say pray, but right now it feels like God is out of reach...Good grief, there's so much doubt going on here! And so many inner battles. Right now, to me, it's like I'm living in a burnt out shell of a person who's only really doing the minimum to survive on a daily basis. It doesn't seem to me like I'm worth much of anything; doesn't seem like people really want to be around me. 'Course not. Seems to me like I'm the reject or the outcast as usual. Sure, there are times I'm doing things with people such as meals or going to plays or things like that, but am I really happy? Good question. I thought so, but maybe not, as I have all this swirling around in my head on a daily basis. I'm so broken I literally don't know what to do or who to turn to. I really wish I had a shoulder to cry on! But my mom is no longer able to be there every time...
Right now I know I need help, but I'm too afraid to ask for it because it seems people might be hostile or too busy or they might judge me or something like that. In my heart I know it's false, but my thick skull needs to get that through to it. Gosh, there's much more I have to say on these things, but I don't want to scare you all away with my dark thoughts. Anyone out there ever feel like I do? Lost, alone and broken? Don't know what to do or who to turn to? I hope you all don't think too badly of me... I just want to feel and know I'm loved, especially by the people around me. I know there are some of you who truly care, so I'm asking you for help. So yeah... just some late night thoughts...
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